(Full disclosure: The writer is a retired airline executive)
By Monte Lazarus
Dear SKYFUN Customer,
We value your membership in our Fun In The Skies Club, and are pleased to offer the following new amenities on your upcoming flights. Please continue to enjoy yourselves on our retro propeller-driven aircraft. No longer do you have to worry about missing the joy of lingering in the sky. With SKYFUN your trips are leisurely and thrilling!
You’ll be happy to learn that we have successfully launched our program to permit you to avoid “pat downs” and full body scans before boarding our aircraft. For a modest $5.00 fee you can bypass these security stops. Passengers electing this popular option will board the aircraft nude, and dress in our snug restrooms aboard the aircraft.
We are not increasing restroom charges. They remain at $3.00 per visit (two visits for $5.00). Passengers choosing the nude boarding option will not be charged an additional fee for dressing in the restroom. However, we request that those passengers kindly use the restroom for dressing only, and do not otherwise use the facilities under this option.
Passengers who check baggage will only be charged a small $10.00 fee (per bag) at baggage claim at their destination. This is not only a convenience, but assures the security of your checked luggage.
If crying children disturb you, there is now an option of purchasing a seat in a Child-Free Zone. For only $25.00 you can be guaranteed complete tranquility aboard one of our delightful SKYFUN flights.
We have been able to reduce our seatbelt charge to $3.00 because our Purchasing Department alertly found a supply of slightly used Chinese seatbelts at an excellent price. This is just another example of SKYFUN looking out for our passengers!
Our passenger surveys inform us that our customers do not like “airline food”. We are delighted to respond with an added amenity. We shall no longer serve any food or disturb you by offering snacks. You may purchase sandwiches and drinks in our boarding area at very reasonable airport prices.
For your amusement, and adding to the ambiance of our antique aircraft, we are revitalizing the duct tape on our seats. The tape will now be in brilliant colors instead of the traditional silver-gray.
Our in-flight magazine (“SKYCAPERS”) will continue to be placed in your seatback. The magazine is available from your flight attendant for a $3.00 charge (plus shipping and handling of $7.00). This superb magazine features 73 pages of advertisements, a crossword puzzle, a free detailed map of Montenegro, and a message from our beloved Chairman.
Our outstanding flight attendants can provide you with convenience sacks (“barf bags”). They are free. However, there is a small $2.00 disposal charge for used sacks. We encourage passengers to be aware of this amenity since our antique aircraft fly at very low altitudes to enhance your viewing pleasure, although low altitude flights occasionally tend to encounter turbulence. As small children have learned, bouncing is fun!
We have updated our SKYFUN CLUB. Our lounge is located in our major hub at Boise, Idaho and is a quick half mile walk from the terminal. The lounge is replete with photographs of the nationally famous Boise State football team. Team posters are available for purchase at the check-in desk. The lounge also has soft drinks and peanuts for sale. Passengers fortunate enough to travel through Boise will be thrilled to see the new lounge. We are planning a second lounge at our other hub in Dubuque, Iowa. Our club membership remains at $50.00 a year.
SKYFUN is devoted to public service, and we ask you to join with this noble effort. In growing season we may divert one or more of our fleet of six aircraft for crop dusting use. Dedicated SKYFUN customers can enjoy the comfort of serving our nation’s need for productive agriculture as we put replacement aircraft in service from time-to-time. Every dollar earned from crop dusting goes directly into SKYFUN’s coffers to maintain the highest quality of service for you – our beloved passenger.
Senior Vice-President, Marketing and Chief Pilot