Thursday, December 3, 2020

Q&A with Simba

 

 

This column is the opinion of a 3-year-old African Grey Parrot named “Simba” who has an extremely high intelligence level. While he does not possess a degree from any college or university, he does have a strong opinion of himself and feels that he is the best candidate to answer the complex questions of today’s discerning pets…and the humans they own…

Dear Simba,

My name is Sassy and I’ve been told I am the prettiest and the “sassiest” Chihuahua on Marco. I have a dilemma. My human is so excited about her move to a new condo (it’s bigger and has a better view). I’m excited too because there will be new sofas to lie down on and a nice deck where I can sun myself. However, my dilemma is that I think I need new things for this new condo. New bowls, a new fluffy bed, maybe some new dresses, and definitely an area designated for me out on the deck looking over the bay.

I’m trying to give her the signs for all this but she’s not getting it. I know she knows I’m a princess and I need to go shopping! Help! I’m having a fashionista problem! Any advice would help at this point.

Signed,

Socialite in Distress

 

Dear Socialite Sassy,

(Thinking to self): REALLY! SERIOUSLY! You’re kidding me…right? Oh my goodness…I’m actually going to help a Chihuahua named “Sassy” regain her socialite status with her human! Ok here goes…

Relax princess! I’m here to rescue you! We all know how you female Chihuahuas can be (trust me I live with 2 of them). You prance around with your nose in the air and over your rump, your tail is curled just as high as your nose is. It’s ok though because I find your species very comical. So your big dilemma is that you need new stuff. Hmmm…the best thing I can suggest at this point (and you girls are great at this) is when she puts all your stuff down for you to use in the new condo, do that big sigh and snorting thing your species does.

It’s a total sign of disgust for the human. As soon as my Chihuahua sisters, Ginger and Simone, don’t like something they let out a big sigh, a snort, and a big stare down at our human and then they promptly turn their noses in the air, curl their tails over their rumps and prance away. I can tell you I’ve seen this work like a charm! You’ll have what you want in no time. The new bowls, the fluffy bed, the new dresses and your very own sundeck (hmmm…this is giving me some ideas for a new cage).

Now…about the bowls. What I find is always effective is if you can muster up enough strength in your little body to actually flip the bowls over after she fills them, it will have great impact! Whether it’s the water bowl or the food bowl it doesn’t matter. I do this frequently and it seems to work. As far as the dresses go, well I find it quite intriguing how my Chihuahua sisters here have more clothes then my human does. They actually have their own closet space!! Maybe in this particular area of advice I should put my human in touch with your human. Her motto is “the girls can never have enough dresses.” She’s got websites saved on the computer strictly for clothes. After they get a bath, they even have bathrobes. Shoes, sunglasses, party dresses, sun dresses, jogging outfits, sweaters…OH!!…and we can’t forget the matching New York Yankee jerseys. They have Derek Jeter #2 on the back of them!

So you see, there are ways to get what you want. However, you need to be smart about it. Unlike me, you can’t actually talk so communication is key in this matter. Remember to say thank you after you acquire your new things and be grateful that your human takes such great care of you…I know I am! Good luck, Sassy Princess!

I’m rooting for you!

Fondly,

Simba

 

Simba is owned by Christina Giordano. If you have any questions you would like Simba to answer, please email them to: Ask Simba@angelsofflightproductions.com

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