Friday, September 20, 2019

Q&A with Simba

Simba

Simba

This column is the opinion of a 3-year-old African Grey Parrot named “Simba” who has an extremely high intelligence level. While he does not possess a degree from any college or university, he does have a strong opinion of himself and feels that he is the best candidate to answer the complex questions of today’s discerning pets…and the humans they own…

Dear Simba,

There is a real cute female cockatoo in my neighborhood, but she doesn’t seem all that interested in me. I’ve tried everything. I flex my crest whenever she waddles by, I wave hello, I’ve invited her back to my place for pine nuts and pistachios, I have even shown her my best dance moves, and…nothing. Nada. Zilch. I don’t get it. I know that I’m handsome, smart, and talented, so the problem couldn’t possibly have anything to do with me. What more could I do to get her to like me? Are all girls this hard to impress? It’s just not fair!

Frustratingly Yours,
Snowball the Dancing Cockatoo

Dear Snowball:

May I say this is a big “WOW” factor for me. I’m actually giving advice to Snowball the Dancing Cockatoo from the famous Taco Bell and Loka Water Commercials!! You’ve been featured all over the world; there have been numerous articles written about you in The Economist and Discover magazines. You’ve been on the BBC Science channel; the paparazzi is parked on your door step and this girl cockatoo won’t give you the time of day…hmmm…sounds like she doesn’t know a good thing when it’s dancing in front of her. Let’s see…first off, I have to be a bit bold here. Cockatoos are a bit on the nervous side. (You know that as well as I do). So, that being said, maybe the real issue is not that she doesn’t find you attractive, smart and talented, but I would venture to

World famous Snowball® the Dancing Cockatoo has written to Simba for advice.

World famous Snowball® the Dancing Cockatoo has written to Simba for advice.

say that a little bit more craziness on your part might be what she’s looking for.

I personally had this experience once with a beautiful female African Grey named Tessa. My goodness, she was pretty…and that tail, “WOW”! Absolutely brilliant! I tried everything I could to get her to notice me…except being wired and comical. After all, I’m an African Grey…we are not comical. I finally laid the facts out to her and we had a nice time for a few months. However, in your case, instead of dancing wildly to the beat of the Backstreet Boys, maybe she needs more of a Jay Sean or Michael Jackson beat. Instead of the pine nuts and pistachios, try sesame seeds or walnuts. But for goodness sakes do not offer her almonds! They are a fat burner, and you would just be opening a door insinuating a rude comment about her weight. Females are a bit weird—sometimes taking gestures out of context. Essentially, they pick us as mates, so be on your best behavior with a little craziness. Oh, and man to man, I would definitely keep your crest down on the first date. You don’t want her to think you are a typical male cockatoo with crazy hormones flying around like no-seeums…sorry for the comparison. Hopefully, this helps with the love life dilemma…We really should get together for a few walnuts and a cranberry juice…A guys night out might do you some good!

Fondly,
Simba

P.S. For all my fans and readers, if you want to see Snowball the Dancing Cockatoo strut his stuff go to www.youtube.com/BirdLoversOnly

Snowball the Dancing Cockatoo is owned by Irena Schulz and is a permanent resident at Bird Lovers Only Bird Rescue and Sanctuary in Dyer, Indiana. Simba is owned by Christina Giordano. If you have any questions you would like Simba to answer, please email them to: AskSimba@angelsofflightproductions.com

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