Friday, April 23, 2021




By Monte Lazarus

There was a recent report about someone being arrested for possession of 19,000 pills. I know. I know. The pills allegedly contained some very funny stuff. My amusement is about the number of pills. It’s kid stuff.

My Wonderful Wife and I consume about 19,000 pills just at breakfast. We have pills for every part of the body and mind; and even some body parts that haven’t yet appeared in anatomy books. Not only that, as the study of medicine has advanced and become more specialized, the pills are more specialized. There are pills for parts of the throat, the left big toe, the right thumbnail, the bald patch at the left center of the rear portion of the head (for men) and for the right portion of the front of the head (for women). There are pills to keep facial skin taut (men and women) and for the dreaded “turkey neck” for older folks.

Then there are blood pressure pills. As everyone knows and appreciates, handling blood pressure is art as well as science. There is no universal pill. There is constant change and updating. My Wonderful Wife and I are engaged in a duel to see who can chalk up more different species of blood pressure medications. I’m currently way ahead, but I started many years ahead and have a big, if dubious, advantage.

There are also varieties of heart pills. On very good authority (although I must protect my fictitious sources) I understand that there are pills to slow the heart pace, speed the heart pace, maintain the heart pace, and a placebo to make the patient believe that he/she is receiving all of the above in a single dose.

When we travel, particularly to a foreign land, we pack two traveling pharmacies. They are loaded with prescriptions of all sorts and sizes, plus the usual display of aspirin, Tylenol, Band-Aids, Neosporin, and Tums and on and on. These traveling pharmacies are kept safer than our passports, since we can somehow get other passports, but we’ll perish in an hour without our cherished pills. My Wonderful Wife once committed the cardinal error of having her pills in baggage that was checked through to our cruise ship. Panic set in when the bag did not arrive, as the ship was ready to depart. We were prepared to abandon ship just as the bag arrived. We immediately opened the bag and each took a blood pressure pill and an anti-anxiety pill to begin the voyage peacefully.

There’s a lot more, but the pharmacy just called and I have to pick up a new prescription.







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