Tuesday, December 1, 2020

GLOP

By Monte Lazarus 

I hereby propose the establishment of a new National Holiday to be known as Gleefully Liberate Our Possessions Day (GLOP). This holiday would apply to all American citizens, documented aliens and undocumented aliens living in the United States. It will be a joyous day for all, and extremely important for our country.

Here’s how it works…virtually all of us have accumulated lots of things down through the years. By “things” I mean everything from really, really cheap plastic objects we bought at bargain prices in some foreign place like, say, New York. We probably secretly nourish a forlorn hope that someday, somehow one of these “things” will appear on camera on The Antiques Roadshow where it will be appraised “conservatively at auction at $1 million.” The odds against that happening are too long to quote on a single sheet of paper, but we cling to hope. Forget it, I say.

Where I live possessions have invaded successfully. Clothing closets made way for “things”, including a stash of stuff just in case someone has a birthday or anniversary or graduation and we forgot to buy a gift. There is a warehouse load of wrapping and gift paper. Enter the garage at your peril. No self-respecting car would consent to being housed in that pile of stuff (including wagon loads of paper stuff from Costco). Clean it out, I say.

I propose that every year, on GLOP Day, all of us will go through our possessions (hazmat suits to be loaned by local governments). We shall weed out the non-significant stuff – about 99.34% – and take it to the curb. Special trucks on loan from waste collection companies will pick up the goods to be sorted and bundled. Now comes the best part: The bundled and baled goods would be transported directly to China from whence they originated. They would be recycled and the proceeds will undoubtedly put a tremendous dent in our staggering deficit. We’ll be able to breathe the free air of those liberated by their possessions. We can fulfill the promise of “… Ask what you can do for your country.” We can eliminate many husband-wife rifts that usually begin “Why are we keeping that piece of junk?”

I urge all of us, regardless of political party, race, color, creed, sex, favorite sports team to get aboard this express. Write your congressperson. Let him/her know that you are matching his/her dedication to solving our problems with this remarkable proposal. If things are running normally you will be met with deafening silence, or with a letter that begins, “Dear ———, Thank you for your thoughtful letter to —- ——–. He/she appreciates your interest in matters before Congress. I can assure you that your proposal will be given every consideration (babble, babble, babble).”

Oh, well. At least I can now dump 174 dry plastic pens with a clear conscience. I say: Get on with it. And, by the way, Happy Glop Day!

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