Friday , June 24 2016
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Monte’s Humor

The night my foot got caught


In memory of Monte Lazarus and his contributions to Coastal Breeze News, we are publishing many of his humor columns again in coming editions. They will bring as many smiles now as they did when first printed. Enjoy! By Monte Lazarus One of the things we enjoy every now and again is an Everblades hockey game at Germain Arena. It’s a great arena for spectators; just about every seat is good for viewing the game. Unlike the new mega-arenas, Germain is small, cozy, friendly and reasonably priced. A family of four can go for less than $100, if they don’t ... Read More »



By Monte Lazarus In memory of Monte Lazarus and his contributions to Coastal Breeze News, we are publishing many of his humor columns again in coming editions. They will bring as many smiles now as they did when first printed. Enjoy!   Marco Island has a lot of nifty amenities besides the beach and the periodic comedy routine at City Council meetings. One of those amenities is the $5 a session workout for “Over 55 Year Olds” at Mackle Park. Although my wife clearly looks younger than 55, she managed to dupe the authorities into believing she qualified, and they ... Read More »

The Language Barrier

By Monte Lazarus In memory of Monte Lazarus and his contributions to Coastal Breeze News, we are publishing many of his humor columns again in coming editions. They will bring as many smiles now as they did when first printed. Enjoy!   Maybe it’s not strictly the American syndrome, but some of my friends get very peculiar when they’re in a foreign country and do not understand the language. Their normal reaction is, “Oh, I’m not speaking loudly enough”. So they crank up the decibels. “Waiter, I’d appreciate a glass of red wine” becomes, “Hey, gimmee some of that red ... Read More »

So You’re Going to College!


By Monte Lazarus In memory of Monte Lazarus and his contributions to Coastal Breeze News, we are publishing many of his humor columns again in coming editions. They will bring as many smiles now as they did when first printed. Enjoy!     Something like this conversation is taking place every day… Daughter: Great news Dad. I got accepted at the college I want! Dad: Where’s that? And how much? Daughter: It’s that small school in Arizona, and the tuition is only $35,000 a year. Dad: Gulp. Arizona? Will they let you in the state? They’re very strict on immigrants. ... Read More »



By Monte Lazarus (Note: If you are deceived by the title and believe this is about professional football, you may stop reading now. For purposes of full disclosure I hereby acknowledge that references to “my wife” are purely coincidental and I hope this acknowledgment insulates me from extraordinary reprisals.) Every travel book and article I have read admonishes travelers to pack lightly. In fact, some urge prospective voyagers to lay out their clothes and sundries, and then leave half of them behind. In my world this advice is pooh-poohed, ridiculed and completely ignored. My wife (a fictional example), practical in ... Read More »

We’re Prisoners!


It’s the holiday season, so the time has come to tell all. We’re all prisoners of computers…every last one of us. When you, or even a little kid, look at that computer screen, you are not really looking at it. Uh-uh. It’s looking at you, and sometimes chuckling to itself about how dumb we are. They’ve quietly and effectively conquered us so-called humans. Machines control everything, and machines are, in turn, controlled by – yes, computers! IBM, HP, Dell, Gates, Jobs – the whole mob are probably robots designed and built by machine. How do we vote? By machine. Who ... Read More »

SKYFUN (Full disclosure: The writer is a retired airline executive)

In memory of Monte Lazarus and his contributions to Coastal Breeze News, we are publishing many of his humor columns again in coming editions. They will bring as many smiles now as they did when first printed. Enjoy! By Monte Lazarus Dear SKYFUN Customer, We value your membership in our Fun In The Skies Club, and are pleased to offer the following new amenities on your upcoming flights. Please continue to enjoy yourselves on our retro propeller-driven aircraft. No longer do you have to worry about missing the joy of lingering in the sky. With SKYFUN your trips are leisurely and ... Read More »

A Riven Society

old watch and stamp

By Monte Lazarus Some people contend that that our society is divided by “haves and have-nots”; others claim that the Great Divide is between Democrats and Republicans, or Liberals and Conservatives; still others run the gamut, not excluding Yankees v. Red Sox, or the fallback catch-all – “Us and Them. My perspective, after many years of superficial thought, is that it’s the split between Packrats and Neatniks. Examine any household or office. You’ll invariably find that there are those who are compulsively neat (full disclosure: unfortunately, I’m not one of those), and there are the others – the slobs to ... Read More »

What, Me Read?


By Monte Lazarus The other day at breakfast we had pancakes. Of course pancakes require syrup. In days of yore that meant maple syrup. Alas, genuine maple syrup scarcely exists these days. If you are lucky enough, say, to be in Vermont or parts of Canada, you can find the real stuff, and you can pay the equivalent of the price of an ounce of gold for a taste. Hence the emergence of Ersatz Maple Syrup. Naturally no producer of pancake syrup would produce a label reading “Genuine Ersatz (or perhaps Fake) Pancake Syrup.” No, never. At our breakfast, ... Read More »

Terror Unleashed


By Monte Lazarus Recently my Most Excellent daughter and Most Excellent son-in-law acquired a brand new, never used puppy. This puppy is of a Most Excellent breed – a Yellow Labrador. He arrived amid great expectations and much fanfare, especially among the remaining household teenagers. Thus far the best thing about this particular puppy is his name…”Atticus”, after “Atticus Finch” the upstanding noble hero of “To Kill A Mockingbird.” Alas, somewhere in the Most Excellent breed of Yellow Labrador a biological sport arrived. Young Atticus is an unholy terror. To date the new arrival has chewed up an antique ... Read More »

Going Viral


By Monte Lazarus Some years ago a mad scientist discovered a long dormant virus that had been thought to have vanished with the collapse of the Roman Emperor. He or she apparently implanted the virus in American males, and it has spread rapidly, particularly since the 1940’s and 1950’s. The virus is now known as Romanus Footballus Terriblus. It emerges cyclically, much as the flu, and engulfs the nation in early Fall, continuing until late Spring. It appears that the virus was discovered in the Ivy League since it first became noticeable in schools such as Yale, Harvard and ... Read More »

Story With Several Morals


By Monte Lazarus The tale you may be about to read is true. Even the characters, I’m embarrassed to say, are real. This is written as a public service for those of the public who travel by air. My Wonderful Wife and I wrapped up our annual Cultural Fix Week in Canada, after four different plays and musicals at the Stratford Theatre (Canadian spelling, eh) Festival. For those of you who might enjoy exhilarating theatre (eh, again) this is a genuine treat. Regrettably it was time to leave, so we packed the gigantic SUV our friends at Hertz had ... Read More »



By Monte Lazarus There was a recent report about someone being arrested for possession of 19,000 pills. I know. I know. The pills allegedly contained some very funny stuff. My amusement is about the number of pills. It’s kid stuff. My Wonderful Wife and I consume about 19,000 pills just at breakfast. We have pills for every part of the body and mind; and even some body parts that haven’t yet appeared in anatomy books. Not only that, as the study of medicine has advanced and become more specialized, the pills are more specialized. There are pills for parts ... Read More »



By Monte Lazarus As I age my fear is that I am becoming far more crotchety; so much so that my proposed new organization for such as me would be known as “Cranky Old Men” or just COM (Not to be confused with the movie “Grumpy Old Men”). I also considered having a group of “Cranky Old Women”, but the acronym “COW” would label me as a misogynist, so please bear with that omission. My latest piece of crankiness revolves about the indiscriminate use of those ubiquitous so-called smart phones. The phones may be smart but some of the ... Read More »

Fly me to the moon with legroom, please


By Monte Lazarus More years ago than I care to remember the new Jet Age was described as “Breakfast in London, lunch in New York, dinner in Los Angeles, luggage in Rio.” We’ve been overtaken by events. Flown recently? If not, here’s the New Post Jet Age: If you can afford it you can fly First Class and enjoy plush seats, advanced boarding, meals (if the flight distance is long enough), free checked luggage to your actual destination, lots of legroom, free drinks, pillows, blankets, hot towels, lavatories within easy walking distance and pleasant flight attendants. If you are ... Read More »

A Farewell to Smugness


By Monte Lazarus Being smug about my trip planning was entirely appropriate. After all, I had planned many a successful trip. This time I carefully scheduled our cruise so that the Atlantic was relatively calm; our group of four worthies had two Bingo winners; food was abundant and good, including a newly discovered pizza bar. Jumping ship at Dublin turned out to be brilliant. The ship couldn’t proceed to Cork because of unusually high seas, and we had been at the remaining ports several times. Our sojourn in Ireland was outstanding, and we had the privilege of experiencing some ... Read More »

Statues and Status


By Monte Lazarus Marco Island is missing something. It’s missing what almost every city, town and village in Europe has – statues of heroes and would be heroes. Some Americans visiting France for the first time, and being unfamiliar with the language, used to ask me about that Frenchman, “Mort”. Every hamlet in France, they said, had a statute of “Mort”. I had to explain that there was probably no one named “Mort” in all of France, its territories and possessions. On a French statue “Mort” is usually and simply part of “Mort Pour la Patrie”, or died for ... Read More »

A Scottish-Irish Symphony


By Monte Lazarus It’s now clear to me why the Irish and the Scots are so nice. They share a common enemy. No, it’s not the Brits. It’s the weather! There’s something about joint suffering that promotes friendship and kindness. There may also be another factor. The cities in Ireland and Scotland are both built largely in a horizontal mode. In the United States we have skyscrapers, and folks in tall condos, coops and rentals in New York City (for one example) scarcely know one another, much less care. Our first day in Dublin set the tone. Our first ... Read More »

Wanna Bet?


By Monte Lazarus This week’s rant is about INSURANCE, legalized gambling in which we bet against our longevity, bodies and minds, homes, cars, art and jewelry, ability to avoid hurting other people or their property, and myriad other things. Consider life insurance. Whether we buy whole life, term or other form, we rely on our knowledge that, so far, nobody has lived forever. We pay insurance companies to make lucrative investments so they get very rich and our survivors are paid off when we kick off – and then they have even more reason to tell everyone how wonderful ... Read More »

Confessions of an addict


By Monte Lazarus I’m an addict and there’s no 12 Point Program to help me. It’s bad. I’m a user and a supplier, and spend hours plotting my next caper. My addiction began thanks to two beloved friends who took me under their wings as “consultants.” Oh, yes, they spent a huge amount of time and effort teaching me how to play the E-Bay Game. The problem is that they did not teach me how to deal with addiction. Every day, every hour, every minute of every day I’m now looking at the mass of junk we’ve accumulated trying ... Read More »