Coastal Breeze News

By Monte Lazarus [email protected] I’m an addict and there’s no 12 Point Program to help me. It’s bad. I’m a user and a supplier, and spend hours plotting my next caper. My addiction began thanks to two beloved friends who took me under their wings as “consultants.” Oh, yes, they spent a huge amount of time and effort teaching me how to play the E-Bay Game. The problem is that they did not teach me how to deal with addiction. Every day, every hour, every minute of every day I’m now looking at the mass of junk we’ve accumulated trying ... Read More »

By Monte Lazarus [email protected] io is beautiful in many ways. Mountains surround the city on several sides and the ocean caresses the magnificent beaches (Copacabana, Ipanema and Leblon) to the east. It is magnificent. And, there’s more than just “The Girl From Ipanema”… there are at least several thousand prime beauties. If straying from well-known neighborhoods, it’s a good idea to leave behind jewelry and more than minimal money (“Reals”). Many of the shantytowns (cavelas) are gone and the city glows at sunset. At some places they even applaud that sunset. I wonder whether they get the famous “green flash” ... Read More »

Rio de Janeiro in January and February tends to be steamy… sorry, gentlemen, this refers to the weather, not the girls. More about them later. My splendid daughter invited me to escort her to Rio, since her husband works about 80 hours a week and prefers traveling to Europe anyway. I went out of my way and did her the favor of being her guest. The Norte Americana tourista should be well prepared for a different world.  January and February (Carnival time) are hotter and more humid than New Orleans, Houston, or Orlando – combined – in mid-summer. But, that’s ... Read More »

By Monte Lazarus - [email protected] I recently had an unusual visitor. It just dropped by to see me and, using powers of deduction I developed by reading all of the Adventures of Sherlock Holmes, I concluded that it was from another planet. The fact that it was green and that it had only three fingers on each hand like a cartoon character were hints.  What confirmed that it was otherworldly was it was wearing a double knit “leisure suit” with a shirt collar hanging over the lapels. “Aha,” I thought, “Only someone from outer space would still wear one of those outfits.” ... Read More »

By Monte Lazarus [email protected] A week ago I began writing the obituary for my Genuine Imitation Rolex Watch. After four years my Beloved Watch appeared to be on life support. Its arms were limp and running way behind other watches and clocks. No amount of sympathy and cajoling seemed to help. I was ready to pull the plug. My memories of that Genuine Imitation Rolex are sweet indeed. It began with a trip back to China after 30 years. Many things have changed, but some have not. Shopping is a universal addiction. No tourist is safe or secure. We are ... Read More »

By Monte Lazarus Many years ago I had the privilege of sharing an office with the Cheapest Man in the World. I confess that I did not know all the men in the world, but it matters not; it was impossible for anyone, of either gender, to be cheaper than him. Let’s call him “J” to protect his identity, and because I don’t want the federal government swooping down on me for revealing the name of an employee from the 1960’s. J was very smart even though he was a graduate of the Harvard Law School. He apparently majored in ... Read More »

By Monte Lazarus [email protected] My wife is noted, among other things, for her charm, poise and perspicacity. She is also a keen shopper and, so help me, does our Christmas shopping for next year on the 26th of December. Thus it was that we were dreaming of 2013 sugar plum fairies and all that stuff as we began our adventure. Shopping went well. There were bargains galore. Almost everything is done, except buying for the little kids where sizes cannot be predicted a year in advance. We finished. It was time to chow down. My wife in a moment of ... Read More »

By Monte Lazarus [email protected] A small group of itinerant archeologists and paleontologists has made a find leading to significant insights into Calusa governance and structure on Marco Island. The information has been kept secret for a few years until the discoveries and translations could be verified. They appear genuine. The group, led by professors Pierre Bouchard and John Chamollion, made the discovery among ancient clamshells at an undisclosed location on the island. Experts fear that amateurs will overrun the area and ruin the remaining shells. The shells are all inscribed with an ancient form of writing that took several years ... Read More »

By Monte Lazarus [email protected] For the last few weeks the Police Department (at least it appears that way) has been stationing official cars at certain places with no drivers, or others, in the cars. Apparently someone in the P.D. believes that these “dummy” cars will encourage drivers to slow down and also obey all other traffic laws. I believe otherwise. My view is that drivers of other cars will divert their attention to see who is in the “dummy” car, thereby increasing the chances of accidents. Admittedly, it is conceivable, but not likely, that a corps of special midgets has ... Read More »

By Monte Lazarus [email protected] In 1971, Roger Kahn wrote a remarkable book titled “The Boys of Summer”. It was centered on my beloved Brooklyn Dodgers of the nineteen fifties, the team of Jackie Robinson, Roy Campanella, Pee Wee Reese, Duke Snider, Carl Erskine, Gil Hodges and others. But, this wasn’t a baseball book; it was a book about life, community, small towns and big cities. That world has changed, and so have the folks who run baseball and play the game and live a world apart from us mere mortals. Back in the fifties spring training epitomized the renewal of ... Read More »

By Monte Lazarus [email protected] Is it my imagination, or are holiday times accelerating? I believe I just received my first Christmas catalog – for 2014 that is. This year (I think this year is 2012, although it’s disappearing rapidly) Halloween began at the Fourth of July; Christmas began before Thanksgiving, and Thanksgiving seemingly disappeared, only to reemerge this week. The deluge of catalogs doesn’t help. From Hammacher-Schlemmer to LLBean nary a day goes by without a clogged mailbox. We’ve been overwhelmed by offers for oranges, solar toys, stray dogs and cats, clothing for women, men, kids, pets and stuffed animals. ... Read More »

By Monte Lazarus [email protected] My dream came true. I won a gold medal! It isn’t from the London Olympics, but it’s awfully close. It’s probably not real gold, but it’s heavy and “golden” and has a magnificent blue ribbon. In my feeble mind it’s Olympic quality, and that’s that. It took Olympic teamwork to win it, since it was the result of a four day team trivia competition on the “Allure of the Seas,” a cruise ship to end all cruise ships. It has everything Columbus ever wanted: a rock climbing wall; an ice skating rink; at least a thousand ... Read More »

By Monte Lazarus [email protected] It was raining and unusually chilly, so it was a great day for the supermarket (store names are omitted to protect the guilty). So off I went for a new adventure among the shoppers. “Ah”, I mused, “My thoughtful wife provided a list of goods and goodies and today will be fast and easy.” Wrong! My first reaction on entering the store was shock and awe – oops, that was Iraq. Substitute shock and amazement. Almost everything was out-of-place and confusion reigned. Little old people were wandering hither and yon like busy ants. Many had completely ... Read More »

By Monte Lazarus  [email protected] Halloween is the strangest of all our holidays. For one thing it apparently originated as some sort of Pagan ritual. No, it did not involve a bunch of folks in animal skins munching on turnips (Americans invented pumpkin pie of course). Rather, the worship of the sun, moon, Manchester United Football (that’s European for soccer) Team, or the particular God or Goddess in vogue at the time. I suspect that on a chilly day in October (by our calendar) some early Brits of a Druid or comparable persuasion hoisted a few and then thought it would ... Read More »

By Monte Lazarus [email protected] It finally happened…I’m “Macified”; or you might say “Appleized.” In any event I’ve come under the spell of the brooding omnipresence of Steve Jobs. After many years I’ve abandoned P.C.; and a MacBook Air has joined my relatively new iMac. It’s painful. It’s expensive. It’s destiny. It all began years ago when I bought my first computer – a $5,000, clunky, creaky, nasty IBM. It cost the equivalent of a BMW, but performed a lot worse. The original was heavy and huge. It had a single floppy drive that accommodated only one large droopy (hence “floppy”) ... Read More »

By Monte Lazarus [email protected] Justice Oliver Wendell Holmes purportedly said, “All generalizations are false; including this one.” Thus, let me begin with a generalization: Canadians are just plain nice people. We have just returned from our annual Cultural Fix in the town of Stratford, Ontario, about an hour-and-a-half west of Toronto. Stratford was once a bustling rail hub; but it ran into severe economic problems as the railroads declined. A gent named Tom Patterson had the wild idea of making Stratford a theatre centre (Canadian spelling) and thus build a tourism base while providing some cultural experiences. With private funds, ... Read More »

By Monte Lazarus [email protected] It happened suddenly. One moment I was a whole sentient being merrily chomping on something. The next moment I felt a large crater in my jaw. It easily was at least as large as the Grand Canyon…all because I lost a crown from a tooth. “Oomph”, I mumbled, “I fink I loft a toofth”. (It was hard to mumble clearly over the distraction of a huge crater). My wife, always alert to my tribulations, immediately translated what I had mumbled and set about issuing an All Points Bulletin, accompanied by a massive search. “How did it ... Read More »

By Monte Lazarus [email protected] We were quietly enjoying our favorite television program, “The Real Housewives of Nome, Alaska.” It was truly an eye-opener. The housewives were spectacular. They all wore stiletto heels and mini skirts. We were both somewhat surprised since the weather report was that it was minus 47 degrees outside. We expected long fur coats, boots made of seal skin and fur hats with ear flaps. The house interior matched the ladies. It looked huge and very warm indeed. Designer furniture and Hollywood type art on the walls made our view of Nome different than what we expected. ... Read More »

By Monte Lazarus [email protected] The event was a high school graduation at an undisclosed location in an undisclosed state, noted for its rather oversized governor. My spouse and I ventured north to witness the graduation of one of our favorite grandsons. An added bonus, or so it’s said, was to mingle with assorted great grandkids (some greater than others – one spent five days just grinning at me). In the stands at the high school football stadium it was sunny, bright and crowded. The graduating class was 408, give or take one or two. One non-diploma receiver was a slightly ... Read More »

By Monte Lazarus [email protected] It’s easy to understand why education costs so much. Think about it. In most of the last century there were no readily available computers. Teachers knew the basic stuff about reading, writing and arithmetic. As kids, many of us learned – maybe secretly – to count on our fingers. The arithmetically challenged also used their toes. In those days long division was the equivalent of quantum physics today. All that disappeared with calculators and computers. That darned calculator changed arithmetic. Fingers are now employed for the useless job of punching letters and numbers on machines. Today’s ... Read More »