By Monte Lazarus
The tale you may be about to read is true. Even the characters, I’m embarrassed to say, are real. This is written as a public service for those of the public who travel by air.
My Wonderful Wife and I wrapped up our annual Cultural Fix Week in Canada, after four different plays and musicals at the Stratford Theatre (Canadian spelling, eh) Festival. For those of you who might enjoy exhilarating theatre (eh, again) this is a genuine treat. Regrettably it was time to leave, so we packed the gigantic SUV our friends at Hertz had thoughtfully provided, and headed east to Toronto for our flights to Fort Myers.
The first leg to Chicago was uneventful, and we boarded the nice shiny Embraer 170 for the second leg. At the appropriate time we were served our scrumptious gourmet box dinner of a small tube of hummus, two crackers, nuts and some chocolate/blueberry candy probably meant for aircraft mice. This was accompanied by the airline’s finest vintage club soda. Our tray tables were down as we prepared for our feast. We munched for the mandatory thirty seconds. As I resumed reading my iPad book whilst savoring my after dinner soda cocktail I failed to notice that my seat companion (my Wonderful Wife) had returned her seat tray and placed her after dinner drink on my tray. As I reached for my Sainted iPad there was a small collision of hand (mine) and soda (hers) resulting in a cascade of water and ice smack into my lap with resultant flooding on my seat, and theirs (airline’s, of course). It was more than embarrassing; it was frigid. As I began the mopping process for the first time I noticed a further faux pas. A strategic zipper on the front of my trousers had never been restored to its full and upright position. It is now the next day, and my Wonderful Wife has not stopped laughing yet (even in her sleep).
When I lurched, soddenly to the baggage carousel I was sure that the worst was over. Not so fast, buster. The big suitcase, newly bought, wouldn’t remain standing for some reason. My alert Wonderful Wife exclaimed: “One of your wheels came off”! I thought she was referring, loosely, to my brain. Alas, it was nothing that simple. The newly bought suitcase was forlornly tilting to the starboard. By a lucky coincidence the airline’s baggage representative was at the carousel and heard the crash of the suitcase. She looked at our baggage tag and advised that, because we were on an international flight they would instantly replace the bag. That she did, as we moved a lot of dirty laundry from suitcase 1 to new suitcase 2.
The moral, you ask? There are several:
1: Always be aware that plastic cups with water and ice are lethal weapons.
2: Keep your zipper zipped in its full and upright position.
3: Always fly international if you checked your luggage.
Oh, by the way: driving home on the highway we saw a large Full Moon. Do not travel when there is a Full Moon.