Friday , October 24 2014
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Home Dog-cor

Home Dog-cor

Believe it or not, one of the most common topics my inquisitive readers ask me to discuss is home décor.

I suppose this should come as no huge surprise as my column is called “Dog & Style”—and when it comes to “style,” you simply can’t beat the Airedale.

However, what shocks me the most is when a reader actually inquires as to the opinion of our family “Chihua” as well.

For those who might have missed a column or two, let me explain once again, that second “hua” in Chihuahua is ridiculously redundant, so I have chosen to omit it.

So I ask you—is the Chihua a published author? Has the Chihua become Marco Island’s equivalent of a canine Oprah? Is the Chihua—well—an Airedale?

Uh—no.

I mean, our Chihua’s urinary trajectory is so haplessly miscalculated that the little beast pees on his own leg every time we step outside to do our business. Considering this tragic scenario, do you people really trust his opinion on throw pillows, paint chips or landscape lighting?

After all, most humans share a goal of keeping animal urine away from priceless objects such as area rugs, upholstery and babies.

First, depending on our size, we pups typically don’t give a flying Fido what you people choose to place at 24” or above, as our world revolves around the southern hemisphere of your home.

However, since you asked, here is an important tip:

Always choose upholstery that is “dog friendly.” Oh yes, you may think we dogs can be “trained” to stay off your priceless furniture, but guess what: YOU leave the house much more often than we do. YOU may think you train US—but the reverse is true. We train YOU simply by pretending to be trained.

As happens in my home, putting a travel-sized ironing board across your prized leather sofa is actually not much of a deterrent because THERE’S ANOTHER LEATHER CHAIR RIGHT ACROSS THE ROOM, DIPSTICK!

Plus, a little projectile spit-up on your precious upholstery from that precious new grandchild of yours and you’re pretty much hosed anyway.

Yeah, and like you’re going to make the baby eat out of a bowl on the floor!

Then there’s the question of whether to match the color palette of your dog to the color palette of your home.

People—really?

To be fair, the Chihua and I are both “earth tones”—shades of brown, black, tan and white.

The ONLY thing we have in common, by the way.

And yes, just two years ago, the daddies did, in fact, purchase an area rug—all the while boasting as to how its color scheme matched mine.

Fine. Get a life—but fine.

Then came the day that Short Daddy tripped over a sleeping me and launched himself head first into Tall Daddy’s beloved antique end table.

But that’s not the tragedy.

First, I weigh 50 pounds—a dog my size is never really going to “blend in” to the floor, you fool.

Second, how sad that Short Daddy had to begin his next phone call to the Tall Daddy by saying: “There’s been an accident—BUT I’M OKAY!”

True, had Tall Daddy known his darling end table’s life was at stake, there’s little doubt tears would have been shed…for the table first and (perhaps) Short Daddy second.

The end table was immediately rushed to the “furniture hospital” in Fort Myers while, according to the Short Daddy, he came perilously close to “bleeding out” in our “Jurassic Park “ (a.k.a. Fiddler’s Creek) home.

Actually, his medical attention consisted of a Band-Aid and a Diet Coke.

Now, if your dog sheds, like the “Chihua,” then complementary colors become a much more critical issue. Because, if you’re not prepared to vacuum daily, you better hope the excess dog hair is viewed by your guests as “creative texturing.”

Quick, someone call HGTV—I need a show!

About The Author

Tony Wakefield-Jones is a 10-year-old psychologically gifted Airedale. He is on Facebook at facebook.com/tony.wakefieldjones and his complete body of work can be found at attackbunnies.com
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