I’m the only bunny in my house. I really want to meet another bunny who will shred paper with me and scratch my ears, but the singles scene seems really weird.
I snuck on my human’s computer once. She had all these messages from other human males: “I don’t do monogamy” and “that’s how I roll.”
She told me guys who call themselves ‘ballerz’ need to go back in the toolbox where they belong and then promptly ordered me off her computer before I accidentally communicated with one of them.
Can I really trust my human to find me the right companion when she can’t even figure out her own love life?
Mr. Whiskers, Marco Island, FL
Dear Mr. Whiskers:
First, as my Short Daddy is deathly afraid of all-things bunny rabbit (not kidding, see attackbunnnies.com), I’m risking homelessness if he ever finds out I willingly communicated with a member of the family Leporidae of the order Lagomorpha.
Second, I had to look up “ballerz” (meaning: human male sports enthusiast) because the most athletic show on my television is a Real Housewives reunion—that is, until Olympic figure skating returns in a few years.
Holy Peter Rabbit, NO you can’t trust your amorously inept human to choose you a mate! Do you really have to ask? And Mr. Whiskers, when it comes down to it, do you really want to limit yourself romantically?
As for that bogus bunny you are pictured with, you need to tell your human to “stuff it.”
After all, society has essentially defined bunnies and rabbits as veritable love machines. If you believe all you read, you lagomorphs really know how to get it on!
Before I proofread this, the above sentence inadvertently said “vegetable love machines” which is ironically true as well.
To prove my point, let’s just take a fresh look at some of the comments from your human’s mating mishaps: “I don’t do monogamy.” Mr. Whiskers, aren’t you genetically engineered to pretty much behave the same way?
Plus, in rabbitland, even a spontaneous “roll in the hay” can start out as a pleasant romantic interlude yet conveniently end up as a great location for a midnight snack. Right?
However, as we all know, too much of a good thing can also be simply exhausting.
Though Beatrix Potter famously reported that Peter Rabbit was slipping over to Mr. McGregor’s garden for food, the truth is he needed the energy boost simply to keep up with the intimacy demands of Flopsy, Mopsy and Cottontail.
Most of the heterosexual men I know have serious trouble keeping one woman happy. Peter Rabbit was tasked with three females—two of whom with less-than-inspiring names. Seriously, does one expect partners named “Flopsy” or “Mopsy” to really be all that skilled in the sack?
As to the issue of your computer access, PLEASE log on and assist in “coupling” your human when she is out of the house. She CLEARLY needs your expert guidance here.
Okay, so she may have to kiss a few “ballerz” on her way to finding her Prince, but one would hope she has learned something from you and will have a little more fun along the way.
All that said, sexually speaking, only you can determine the direction of your love life. Should you choose to do what’s natural and aggressively play the field, please be mindful of important healthcare issues such as STDs and unwanted pregnancies.
Considering humans typically have only one offspring at a time and bunnies have something like 43, I’d pay seriously pay close attention to the “unwanted pregnancies” issue or you could end up being the Arnold Schwarzenegger of the bunny bunch and end up with a bonus child (or ten) showing up on your doorstep one day.
“I’m here to clean out your bank account.”
Because yes, when it comes to “safe sex” in the rabbit world, I offer you with this oft-quoted and acutely appropriate proverb: “Do not rely on a rabbit’s foot for luck; after all, it didn’t work out too well for the rabbit.”
Tony Wakefield-Jones is a 10-year-old psychologically gifted Airedale. He is on Facebook at facebook.com/tony.wakefieldjones and his complete body of work can be found at attackbunnies.com