Wednesday , October 22 2014
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Take back Wall Street

DOG & STYLE 

Tony Wakefield-Jones 

Tony@mindzoo.com

 

 

 

Dear Tony:
What are your thoughts on Wall Street?
Theresa G. – Marco Island, FL 

Dear Miss Theresa:

Why on earth would someone want to put walls up next to a street? That’s just absurd. Does the Marco Island City Council know about this?

From a human standpoint, Marco Island is a lovely little beach community— and you bipeds seem to place a lot of value on your ability to view mass quantities of water.

I say just take a bath but I digress… 

Wouldn’t erecting walls on either side of, for example, Collier Boulevard not only obstruct your precious gulf views but our collective access to commerce? Do not try to tell me you’re going to make it harder for me to get a table at Joey’s than it already is!

From a dog standpoint, that area between road and sidewalk, where I assume this wall would allegedly be built, is also where we pups primarily relieve ourselves. Unless you want us squatting on your beloved oriental rug, this easement of urination, so vital to the daily needs of the Marco pet population, must be protected.

When you stop and really think about it, wouldn’t this “wall” ultimately threaten the entire socioeconomic structure of our island?

Of course, if you’re speaking about “Wall Street,” the nation’s financial hub in New York City, there are days I’d like to take a big poop there as well.

Tony

 

Coastal Breeze News publisher Val Simon, Tony Wakefield-Jones and his “Short Daddy,” Randall Kenneth Jones, engage in intense salary negotiations. SUBMITTED PHOTO

Magically Delicious
Dear Tony:
Some members of my household are targets for extreme dog licking “attacks”—their necks, faces, and even their hair. It’s like my dog is trying to groom them. What’s up with that?
Derek W. – Naples, FL 

Dear Mr. Derek: 

Though I have my own opinions, I checked in with my buddy, preeminent pup professional Dr. Shelley Gothard:

Licking is a natural behavior for dogs. Excessive or obsessive licking, however, can be an issue. Dogs who excessively lick inanimate objects or themselves, may have either a medical issue (gastro-intestinal problems or even allergies are possible causes) or an anxiety disorder. A veterinarian should be consulted if an owner feels his or her canine companion may suffer from any of these issues. 

In this case, it seems your reader’s family members are the only “target” of this overly affectionate behavior, so I can offer two simpler possibilities. 

One, the owner has inadvertently “trained” his/her dog to behave this way. In many cases, humans unwittingly reinforce unwanted behaviors in how they respond to them. Some canines feel that any response to their behavior, either good or bad, is attention and they LOVE attention in any form. 

The other, and simpler explanation, is that the owner’s body lotion, hair gel, or even natural flavor is “magically delicious” to his/her faithful friend. 

Though I love my Dr. Shelley, despite the horrible things she has been known to do to my bottom, I have a different theory. Members of your family must smell bad— really really bad. Remember, we dogs self-clean our aforementioned bottoms so we have a pretty high threshold for “gross” when it comes to “magically delicious.”

Tony

 

For the love of the Chihuahua
Dear Tony:
Is there anything your household’s “Chihua” can do to get on your good side?
Maribeth J. – Naples, FL 

Dear Miss Maribeth: 

Move out.

 

Tony Wakefield-Jones is a 10-year-old psychologically gifted Airedale. He can be found on Facebook at facebook.com/tony.wakefieldjones. A member of a family of creative minds, his Short Daddy, writer Randall Kenneth Jones, has humorously chronicled his own personal and professional foibles on attackbunnies.com 


One comment

  1. Randy, I have a female dog who licks her adopted little brother from head to toe. He is not complaining so why should I? I do have another female who licks all over my hot sweaty menopausal face, which is just more proof that dogs’ ideas of magically delicious is something else. Very funny dog stories, but be careful about your dog’s FB page, I hear those are going to be purged and I don’t mean barfed on.–Annie

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